Why Couples Get Stuck—and How Therapy Can Help
Many couples come to therapy with a familiar frustration: “We keep having the same fight.” The details may change—the dishes, the tone, the timing—but the emotional outcome is often the same. Disconnection. Hurt. Feeling unseen.
In a recent conversation with marriage and family therapist Chris Chang, we explored why couples get stuck in these cycles and how couples therapy helps partners slow down, understand each other, and reconnect in meaningful ways.
One of the most important ideas Chris highlights is that conflict is rarely about the surface issue. Repeated arguments are usually rooted in attachment needs—the deep human desire to feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe with the person we love. When those needs go unmet, even in small ways, couples can find themselves caught in painful patterns of pursuit and withdrawal, criticism and shutdown.
Rather than viewing one partner as “the problem,” Chris approaches couples work from a systemic perspective. This means looking at the interaction between two people, not blaming one individual. Every behavior, even the ones that hurt, often began as a form of protection. A partner who shuts down may be trying to avoid conflict or shame. A partner who criticizes or pursues may be longing for connection and reassurance. When these protective strategies collide, couples can feel stuck and misunderstood.
A powerful theme throughout the conversation is the role of emotional stories—the narratives we tell ourselves about what our partner’s behavior means. Over time, missed bids for connection can turn into deeply painful conclusions like “I don’t matter,” “I’m too much,” or “My needs will never be met.” Therapy helps bring these stories into the open, gently slowing the process down so both partners can understand what’s happening beneath the reactions.
This slowing down is one of the unique gifts of couples therapy. At home, conflict often escalates quickly. In the therapy room, the pace is intentionally different. Emotions are named. Moments are paused. Partners are guided to turn toward each other rather than away. As Chris describes, the therapy office becomes a kind of relational lab—a safe space to practice new ways of responding, expressing vulnerability, and offering empathy.
Importantly, couples therapy isn’t only for relationships in crisis. Many of the couples Chris works with aren’t on the brink of separation—they’re simply tired of feeling disconnected or alone. Therapy becomes intentional space set aside for the relationship itself, free from distractions, where both partners can show up fully.
One of the most hopeful messages from this conversation is that conflict itself isn’t the enemy. Tension often signals that something important needs attention. When couples can sit with that tension—rather than avoiding it or escalating it—growth and deeper connection become possible.
Couples therapy isn’t about finding the right tool or winning an argument. It’s about understanding—understanding yourself, your partner, and the patterns that shape your relationship. And often, that understanding is where real healing begins.
If you’re feeling stuck in the same cycles, couples therapy may offer a path forward—one marked by curiosity, compassion, and renewed connection.
Watch the Full Interview with Marriage/Couples Counselor Chris Chang here: https://youtu.be/YF2UztxFdcM