Why Does Everyone Think They Have “Trauma?”
I was sitting with a group of pastors & elders, when someone asked the question…
“Why does everyone think they have ‘trauma?’ Most of these people haven’t really been through anything extreme. This is a buzzword, right?”
I have compassion for this question (even though the counselor & pastor in me was stirred). Underneath it, I think he was asking, “Should we really buy into these notions and phrases, that people use so readily to describe their heart & mind?”
And I believe there is value in asking, “Is this the best explanation for humans who are struggling?”
Or even, “Does this help us understand people made in God’s image? Or is it a distortion?”
Most of us grew up understanding trauma as something experienced by war veterans or people who had endured the most extreme and dangerous circumstances.
So, how could it be that so many people who are in everyday work, family, and social situations, are experiencing trauma?
To answer that, we have to understand: What is trauma?
“What is Trauma (actually)?”
I think this is the question he was asking.
Trauma is not simply the event itself. It is what happens inside a person as a result of the event. This means, the same event can happen to two people, but one of them has a traumatic response and the other does not.
Aundi Kolber’s definitions of “Big-T” trauma and “Little-t” trauma are also helpful:
Big-T Trauma
These are experiences that are widely recognized as traumatic because they involve a significant threat to safety, life, or bodily integrity (i.e. physical/sexual abuse, combat/war, natural disasters, life-threatening events, etc.).
little-t trauma
These are experiences that may not seem catastrophic from the outside but still leave a lasting impact on a person's nervous system, sense of self, or relationships (i.e. chronic criticism, emotional neglect, experiencing repeated shame, a painful loss or break-up, etc.).
An Example of Little-T Trauma:
For example, imagine you are in a classroom as a fourth grader, and the teacher asks you a question, and you answer, and then everyone laughs… what happens next? Maybe you would just laugh it off, finish the class, and think nothing of it.
But what if you’ve had experiences like this before, where you felt exposed, or put on the spot, and then humiliated? This experience will undoubtedly remind you of what that felt like. And if that feeling was terribly uncomfortable, you probably were hoping to never experience it again. You’d be actively avoiding it.
So when it does happen again (and everyone laughs), there’s a sense of dread and horror and intensified discomfort. In this scenario, “Little-t” trauma has occurred. Not because being laughed at is inherently traumatic, but because it connected with an existing wound or experience that overwhelmed your ability to cope in that moment.
But this “little-t” shouldn’t be dismissed as insignificant.
Your Body Remembers What Your Mind Wants to Forget
During trauma (little-t or Big-T), what actually occurs in human bodies is much more than simply a painful memory or an intrusive thought.
When something reminds us of a previous wound, our nervous system often responds as though the danger is happening again in the present moment.
Our heart rate increases.
Muscles tense.
Stress hormones are released.
Our ability to think clearly diminishes.
We may feel the urge to fight, flee, freeze, shut down, or disappear.
In other words, trauma is not merely remembering pain. It is re-experiencing it.
This is why someone can say, "I know this shouldn't bother me so much," while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, shame, panic, anger, or numbness. Their body is carrying something their mind may not fully understand.
This helps explain why two people can experience the same event and walk away with very different outcomes. One is traumatic. The other is not. Their bodies are carrying different stories.
But this also means that we don’t get to decide what is painful or terrifying or traumatic to someone else..
We Experience the Present Through the Lens of the Past
Also, let’s imagine that, prior to this classroom moment, you also have been wrestling with an internal belief: “I am stupid.” Maybe you were told this by a friend, or worse, heard it from a primary caregiver, like your parent. Maybe you’ve compared yourself to a sibling or struggled with homework or felt lost in class. So, you’ve wondered for some time if the script is true: Am I stupid? The shame of not being good enough is nearby.
So, when you answer out loud in front of the class and everyone laughs…
Your former story and experience…
Your body’s memory of pain & discomfort…
Your pre-understanding of self…
Your internal scripts…
will determine whether or not this is traumatic.
And that experience, though appearing small, may be deeply painful if it aligns with other vulnerabilities or experiences. Maybe it becomes a moment you never forget.
The Hidden Problem Behind the Question
“What’s up with all these ‘traumas’ that people think they have?” Truthfully, I take fundamental issue with this question. Because underneath, it suggests that it is our job (as friends, parents, pastors, or counselors) is to determine whether or not someone’s experience is valid. “Do they get to call this ‘trauma?’ Is what happened to them really a big deal?”
Why We Try to Minimize Other People's Pain
This question also colludes with the most common human-response to hearing someone else’s pain: We try to fix it, minimize it, or make it go away.
"That was a long time ago."
"You're still thinking about that?"
"You shouldn't let that affect you so much."
"Just forgive and forget."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"God won't give you more than you can handle."
"Don't dwell on the past."
"Maybe you're overthinking it."
"You're stronger than this."
"Well, what did you learn from it?"
Notice that many of these responses are not intentionally cruel. In fact, most are attempts to help. We want the person to feel better. We want to solve the problem. We want to offer perspective. We want the pain to go away.
But pain rarely heals through minimization. Human beings heal when the opposite happens: Their experience is acknowledged, validated, and compassionately held by another person.
The Way of Jesus: Entering Another Person's Experience
Before Jesus healed people, taught people, or challenged people, he was incredibly human. He first stops. He sees them. He listens. He asks questions. He enters their experience.
He asks blind Bartimaeus, "What do you want me to do for you?" He draws out the Samaritan woman's story. He weeps with Mary and Martha (before anything miraculous).
As leaders, pastors, and counselors, what the people across from us need is someone to affirm that their story and experience is inherently worthwhile. It’s the same thing we need.
A Better Question Than "Is It Really Trauma?"
The better question is not, "Is it really trauma?"
But rather, "What happened to this person, and what is their body, heart, and mind carrying as a result?"
Whether we ultimately label it trauma, grief, shame, fear, loss, or heartbreak is often secondary.
But regardless of the label, there is always a person underneath—someone carrying a story, a body, a history, and a set of wounds that deserve curiosity rather than dismissal.
The first task of love is not evaluating, or minimizing, or fixing.
The first task is receiving the person (and their experience) as worthy.